I thought my life would look different at 40. I'm sure you've heard that before; its a true statement for me. I didn't have some elaborate plan for my life, but I was expectant. Now everything around me, especially those I love most, feels like weight. I wish I could feel like your coyote, nose to the wind, but I don't. I feel much more like a mule. I don't like this feeling.
I've had moments lately when I've seriously wanted to run. I'm sure you've heard that before too. But I don't want to be the man who leaves, who abandons those when they need him most. Though right now, I'm afraid that's more about my pride than it is about their needs. Doesn't it say something in the bible about a house divided?
Roy said you were brave in the pulpit.
Sure, I've heard those things before. Guess what? I've felt those things before, felt some of them yesterday in fact. Its hard for a man to talk much about those things though, the wound-too-tights'll be on you like ducks on a junebug, shaming you, telling you its a sin or something to feel that way and the loose-gooses are just as quick on the draw spinning some version of Disney's just follow your heart. Neither extreme is much help, you're either hurting yourself or those you love, and oftentimes its both. Yes, that house divided phrase is in the bible, but so are a lot of other things.
I came across a story once about the holiest religious ceremony of the Plains Indians - the Sun Dance. The writer was privileged to be a witness and she described it as 'not really a dance with steps but a dance of containment, a dance in place.' I wonder sometimes if that's not what a man has to learn, at least a man who desires wife and children and home and hearth...to dance in place. Sun Dance is quite taxing though, it takes a lot of focus and grit. But you do get to wear nothing but a loincloth.
Brave? More like foolish, Lange. Your daughter, Karen, now I'd say she's brave. Send me your mailing address, I've got a few things for you, a little goodwill.