Ruess,
I thought my life would look different at 40. I'm sure you've heard that before; its a true statement for me. I didn't have some elaborate plan for my life, but I was expectant. Now everything around me, especially those I love most, feels like weight. I wish I could feel like your coyote, nose to the wind, but I don't. I feel much more like a mule. I don't like this feeling.
I've had moments lately when I've seriously wanted to run. I'm sure you've heard that before too. But I don't want to be the man who leaves, who abandons those when they need him most. Though right now, I'm afraid that's more about my pride than it is about their needs. Doesn't it say something in the bible about a house divided?
Roy said you were brave in the pulpit.
~~~~~~~
Lange,
Sure, I've heard those things before. Guess what? I've felt those things before, felt some of them yesterday in fact. Its hard for a man to talk much about those things though, the wound-too-tights'll be on you like ducks on a junebug, shaming you, telling you its a sin or something to feel that way and the loose-gooses are just as quick on the draw spinning some version of Disney's just follow your heart. Neither extreme is much help, you're either hurting yourself or those you love, and oftentimes its both. Yes, that house divided phrase is in the bible, but so are a lot of other things.
I came across a story once about the holiest religious ceremony of the Plains Indians - the Sun Dance. The writer was privileged to be a witness and she described it as 'not really a dance with steps but a dance of containment, a dance in place.' I wonder sometimes if that's not what a man has to learn, at least a man who desires wife and children and home and hearth...to dance in place. Sun Dance is quite taxing though, it takes a lot of focus and grit. But you do get to wear nothing but a loincloth.
Brave? More like foolish, Lange. Your daughter, Karen, now I'd say she's brave. Send me your mailing address, I've got a few things for you, a little goodwill.
dancing in place...
ReplyDeleteinteresting
Yeah... there are so many things that don't actually MAKE you free, but simply remind you that you're free. Dancing in place has gotta be one of those things.
ReplyDeleteFor those of us who learned to dance to Gloria Gaynor, dancing in place is such sweet relief. More centered, and centering, and without that sneaking suspicion that we're doom the boogie woogie wrong.
I cogitated, masticated, & ruminated. I now believe 'dancing in place' is procrastination.
ReplyDeletePounce, it's possible...after all that chewing, care to elaborate? If not, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
ReplyDeleteDancing is a form of expression. Expression is usually larger than life. “Life is so largely controlled by chance that its conduct can be but a perpetual improvisation.” ~ W. Somerset Maugham.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the Sun Dance seems to be the complete opposite of expression - the word ‘containment’ is too broad of a thought. What is the containment for…? Control of his thoughts or Repressing the thoughts so that they don’t have control over him…? either way he is procrastinating with an action, which he must get a hold of, in order to be - One with the Buffalo or home & hearth.