Dew and Residue

Ah, a new day glistening with the fresh dew of God's mercy. Only problem is, I don't feel that.

Little incident took place last night in mi familia that touched the place in me, as a man, that struggles with being enough - enough of a provider, protector, bringer home of the bacon, mr. fix-it, and all the rest of those supposed biblical and cultural hats men are to wear. All it took was a touch, a nick, and I bled all over the place the rest of the evening. I went into what is commonly referred to as a "funk" or "blue mood." I ended up barking at my kids multiple times and keeping my wife at arms length until we finally went to bed with that big space between our bodies over which there was no bridge. I had burned it. Damn. I hate it when stuff like that happens. I was having a pretty good day and then a word or phrase or look lands in just the right spot and I'm reduced to someone I don't like very much. And no one else does either.

In those moments last night, I didn't know what to do. And even that sentence touches the "incompetent" place. I didn't know how to fix the things that needed fixing. Oh, John, it's not about fixing things. Sorry, but for a man, it sure feels like it sometimes, most times. I felt pinned in a corner and so I came out fighting. Maybe you should have prayed, John. I thought about, I really did, and then I remembered those times I've prayed before about feelings like this and asked for help and nothing happens and so I decided to keep God at arms length too. Well, John, God has you right where he wants you; you need to lean deeper into your relationship with Him. You know, I believe that, it's just that sometimes I don't have the foggiest idea what that means.

I write this because a couple of posts back, I'm describing myself as a good father, attentive to the needs of his kids and wife, blah, blah, blah, and you might want to nominate me for man of the year or something. Please don't. I'm a man full of fits and furies and greed and lust and have to sit down to take a crap just like the rest of the planet. And in moments of not feeling enough, I turn in on myself. This isn't "poor me" stuff; it's "me" stuff.

I've got to apologize to everyone once they wake up, try to rebuild some bridges, fix some stuff. We'll see.