The Bishop's Doody

Once upon this week there was a list brought to my attention, writing guidelines for one publishing imprint.  If you write books for them, you must avoid words or phrases like these:

Arousal, Bastard, Bet/betting, Bishop, Bra, Breast (except for breast cancer if necessary),

Buttocks or butt (alternatively, you can say derriere or backside), Crap, Damn (try "blast" instead),

Darn, Dern/durn, Devil (except in the religious sense, but the circumstances would be rare),

Dang or Dagnabbit, Doody, Father (when used to describe a religious official), Fiend,

For heaven's sake (can use "for goodness' sake" instead), For the love of Mike...

And avoid situations like these:

Kissing below the neck

Visible signs or discussions of arousal or sexual attraction or being out of control

Double entendre

Nudity - people changing clothes "on screen" or any character clad only in a towel

Hero and heroine sleeping in the same house without a third party, even if they're not sleeping together or in the same room

Also, Christian characters should not smoke, drink, gamble, play cards or dance (except in historical novels they may dance but please limit to square dances and balls, no “sexy” dancing like waltzing cheek to cheek), and terms associated with these activities should only be used in connection with bad guys or disapproving of them or such.

Bodily functions, like going to the bathroom, should be mentioned as little as possible and some euphemism may be necessary but we don't want to sound quaint or absurd.

Now you might say "For heaven's sake, John, you fiend, that's a funny list, but people of faith are beyond that these days, they really are."  And I would momentarily stop dancing and reply "but dagnabbit, publishing houses don't do things that aren't profitable, they don't, so this list indicates a significant number of people are buying books that do not contain words and phrases and situations like these.  In other words, a significant number of people are buying and reading doody-free books."

The last time I checked, this was still a relatively free country, so that pub house can publish escapist romance, no problem by me. But I read a list like that in light of the carnage at Ft. Hood and I'm rankled because those guidelines have the word christian attached to them...and a faith of avoidance continues its drumbeat.  When I first heard about the shooting, my response was not blast or dang; it was Damn, not again.  The christian characters in those novels could not say that, even if they wanted to.

There are days when I believe we are what we read.  For the love of Christ, my friends, read well...